A teenage boy.

Like all teenage school boys, I made my way across the hallways of my new school- me a fleeting shadow amongst the swarm of children all of whom seemed to have some definite purpose in the hall. I paused to wonder what my purpose of existence could be, it gradually receding into the backgrounds of my thoughts.

That was the problem, the only problem.

My thoughts and my personality were being forced to mold itself into a form whose architects were the people around me, the society in which I was a part, or was I? The constant judging by the societal construct meant that at all points I had to pretend to be someone that I was not.

A mirror on my facade, I was merely a reflector of whatever society wished to observe. Having lost my personality to the burdens and expectations of the society, I had lost my individuality.

Engrossed in my musings, I failed to hear the school bell ring- that being inconsequential as torrential ebb of students guided me to the classroom. This was not a new experience for me- for the past many years of my life, I had drifted along the currents of society with any objections or questioning. No sooner was I making a genuine effort to compose me, than-

“Focus”, the professor said.

Of course, I was focussing,

On the beating heart of mine.

Oh! So fast, as if running for its life.

On the verge of succumbing to the never-ending race.

At least it seemed better than the chatter around,

The laughter, making fun of me,

Or completely oblivious, I wonder.

I wonder, how do they do that!?

Adjusting to the methodologies of a new school always seemed to be a challenge for me- the nature of my father’s job meant that we were constantly moving to new cities. As much as I liked to travel and to absorb the new cultures that were on offer, I never truly had an opportunity to make friends with whom I could truly be myself.  

Everyone in school was quick to point out how obnoxious I was, they failing to realize how hard it was for me to develop a rapport with everyone right from scratch. The struggles of being the ‘new kid’ at school meant that I was constantly the subject of all the pranks and taunts of the students who knew each other. Constantly being subjected to such criticism, I had developed a feeling of indifference towards these claims and shuddered it off by saying to myself-

“Well, they’ll never know the feeling of the trembling leg with that of the beating heart”

“Thump”,  the teacher trying to get my attention,

Forcing my eyes to roll up, only to see the quiet.

I could hear the rhythm clearer now,

Surprisingly not so soothing as I previously thought.

 

Words were rambled, chapters being read,

Pretentious attention spans gradually grew into an unruly restlessness.

                                                                 ………………………………….

Days trudged along and trying to keep my thoughts from wandering seemed near impossible. My academics were suffering and nothing consequential seemed to be happening on the social front as well. Students still treated me as an outsider, refraining from involving me within their conversations.

My thoughts kept wandering off to the stars above,

How harmoniously they co-existed with each other,

Spreading across the canvas of the sky.

I am interrupted by the chatter all around,

An expression of happiness running across everyone’s faces.

I wonder how they do that,

Because every time they seem to love it!  

You would think my classmates would have accepted me for who I truly am, but it was more to do with the fact that I had started to alienate myself from them. Wandering through the corridors once again, I imagined as to how the other set of students would be, would they be the ones who finally valued me for being me? Such were my thoughts before it was time to face the vicious loop once again. Maybe I had brought myself to like the entire process, or was I becoming an individual who would never ever conform himself to meet the expectations of the society? Little did I know as I was just a mere child- everything seems so much clearer in hindsight.  

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